


Not Quite The End Of Your Rope

by SoleilVioleta



Series: In Which The World Needs Continual Saving [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Post Purgatory AU, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-09
Updated: 2012-08-09
Packaged: 2017-11-11 18:39:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/481628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoleilVioleta/pseuds/SoleilVioleta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel deals with guilt, deciding not to reveal himself to the Winchesters post purgatory.</p>
<p>Companion piece (romance offshoot) to 'CONVICTION'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Quite The End Of Your Rope

Returning from Purgatory was no easy task. Averting the Apocalypse and opening Purgatory in the first place weren't exactly miniscule events either. But you managed to do it all, with the help of the Winchesters.

Of course to be fair, the Winchesters cause nearly as much trouble as they're worth. When you almost lose your Wings (the tangible representation of your Essence), along with the rest of you, trying to shield the brothers from a blast of Cosmic Energy, you really start to rethink things.

This is when you re-discover the human emotion called 'Guilt'.

How, you think, could I possibly be questioning my resolve to stand by and help the Winchesters? After spending years helping them, and after keeping Dean alive by the skin of your teeth, in Purgatory? You denied The Holy Word for the Winchesters, and now you were faltering?

An angel isn't much if he doesn't have faith.

You know, that they would never think about abandoning you (unless it was for a cause with which you agreed). And yet, you're really getting tired of having to look after them. Well that's not exactly right. You're getting wary of the number of times you've put your neck on the block.

You take the time to nurse your wounds, which don't heal instantaneously as they normally do (damn that cosmic energy. Where did the Leviathans even get it from anyway?). You ignore that you're neglecting their presence (ah, is this what they call Denial?) but trying to reconnect with some of your old friends in the Garrison, while hiding from others.

You're doing pretty good at ignoring this 'Doubt' and 'Guilt' by imploring your newley learned 'Denial'.

That is, until you're acquainted with 'Nostalgia'.

'HEY CAS WE'RE GOING TO FORT COLLINS. GOT A CRAZY BASTARD KILLING A LOT OF PEOPLE OVER THERE. A LITTLE HELLO MIGHT BE NICE.' Dean's voice explodes into the air around you, staring you down. It sounds informative, defiant, like he knows you're forgetting about them on purpose. It nearly knocks you off your feet. But as an angel you can hear what he really means too. The meaning wraps itself around you and trails up your neck, you know it would be comforting if you didn't feel so guilty. 'I wish you were here Cas, are you even alive? Why haven't you said anything?' It's a soft whisper, the kind of thing someone thinks while they say something else, wishing they hadn't thought it at all. Which is, of course, exactly what had happened.

And now you can't help yourself. You're revisiting the good, the bad, the everything about being with Sam and Dean. The laughing, the drinking, the fighting, the dying. It's a lot to think about. You find that you actually miss it.

You find that you actually miss it more than you miss being an obedient angel without any question and with a definite path.

Acid eats at the stomach of your vessel, and his (your) heart beats wildly. How could you have neglected them? You ask yourself, "How could I have been so stupid?"

You don't have a whole lot to live for. But the one certain thing, that you'd blindly forgotten, distracted by your own survival, was that you'd always live (or die) for the Winchesters. Your only true friends.  
You realize that no, you're not at the end of your rope with the Winchesters. You realize that there is no end to this hypothetical rope.

You continue trying to help smooth things over in Heaven, from the sidelines and the shaddows, of course. But you keep a close eye on Sam and Dean. You don't say anything to them, because what would you say?

"Sorry I didn't say anything sooner; I was thinking about leaving you alone completely because you are dangerous and volatile and not as efficient as an Angel so it's dangerous for me to be around you and at some point I have to start thinking about myself."

No, you knew that would be met with anger, with sadness.

So you let them stay in the dark, where they could at least fondly remember you (and here you come across Shame).

There are a few close calls, when you almost slip up and let them know you're around.

Times when Dean is in trouble, and you nudge Sam to save him.

Times when you're almost completely overcome with a burning curiosity over some part of human culture that you just don't understand.

Times when Dean prays to you something so sincere that you start replying before you can stop yourself and only barely catch yourself before you finish.

Times when you just want so badly to apologise, to lift the weight from your shoulders that is having done them wrong, and the wieght from theirs that is worry.

One particular time, Dean and Sam work a case in which two young brothers are orphaned. Dean stays out at a bar that night, much later than Sam, and when he returns to the motel instead of going inside right away he sits on the ground by the Impala and he tries very hard not to cry. He feels so alone. He's never stopped trying to be strong for Sam. What's the point in fighting the good fight if there's an equal number of orphans at the end of the day? He cries a little anyway, the first time since sometime before Purgatory. You sit next to him until he stops, it's not very long. He goes inside and you wish you'd said something because now that he's inside you really can't, not in front of Sam. He would never forgive you. Sam asks where he's been and Dean says he's been with a woman and Sam believes him.

The next morning they leave and Dean prays to you, and it's a little ironic because this time you're actually with him so you're hearing everything twice and he doesn't even know.

When you catch on about Angels dying, you're horrified. You're scared.

You realize you need the help of the Winchesters.

For a split second you're happy.


End file.
